Today I was starving and decided to (gasp!) cook dinner. It’s a tough call for someone who is living with a gourmand and Breatharian (this is the same person, by the way). Not wanting to blow my own trumpet too much, I do hate to say it but despite the real (and metaphysical) challenges of cooking with nothing- Yours Truly just happens to be a master of cooking with ‘whatever’ is in the cupboard. Whole meals and two course dinners have been whipped up from congealing condiments, dry pasta with the weevils meticulously hand-picked out and tins of dubious vegetables. I’ve resuscitated wilted spinach, skimmed the mould off a dried out gran padano and entertained ‘foodie’ friends by tarting up prosaic pasta by roasting old nuts and picking fresh basil from the garden (not necessarily my own). I reckon if Chairman Kaga were to fling open the silk tablecloth to reveal a handful of long-forgotten supermarket purchases on an otherwise empty table (“Today’s secret ingredient is… WHATEVER!”) I’d kick those Iron Chefs off their thrones and reign supreme.
Now I dont’ actually have television but the phenomenon of the TV celebrity chef is a pop cultural phenomenon that isn’t lost on me. (Maybe because nearly every restaurant in Sydney is run by one or at the very least has published a glossy hardback recipe book featured by a display copy next to the cash register.) If I were to be a celebrity chef, here are some of the ideas I would float for a prime-time cooking show.
- Cooking for a Manorexic
- All-Spice for Every Meal.
- The Lazy Woman’s Guide to being a Domestic Goddess: Cooking in tight sweaters.
- Green Eggs and Spam (Preparing Meals while Reading Email)
- The Itinerant’s Guide to Home Cooking
- Microwave Cookery on a Stove Top
- Now You’re Cooking with Sass!
- Home Economics for Dummies – dinners for even less than a takeaway chicken pad see ew.
- Yummy for Dummies!
- The Pantry Chef
- Spoonerisms: Puree is the new Superfood
- Coming-out-of-the Closet Chef
- Cooking with ADHD
- Don’t Look Now but it’s a Cook-Off!
- Sans-Sous-Chef? Sans Souci! French Cuisine with Intercontinental ™ Ready-Meals
- Where’s the Cheese? Inspirational Ideas from Peter Russel Clarke.
- Where’s my Eyebrows? Flambé, Fondue & Other Open Flame Recipes.
- Hotpants! BBQing in Underpants
- Sugar-free desserts: Cooking with Coke Zero.
- The Post-Modern Kitchen – Creating original meals from takeaway leftovers.
- Iron (Cast Stomach) Chef
- Eggs 101
However, tonight I was defeated. Mid-way through what I had considered to be an inventive and nutritious concoction of tomato and egg fried rice, Paul peered into the wok and said. “Let’s get burritos.” After which I switched off the gas, put on my coat, called ahead to order ‘lo de siempre’ in my best Spanish and took the car to Crows Nest.
At least I have tomorrow’s lunch.