Guilty as Charged

I’ve been told I’m deficient in a lot of areas (conscientiousness, attention-span, cardiovascular fitness, height- just to name a few) and I’ve been labelled some pretty unglamourous titles (Westie, alliterate [sic], ‘Asian driver’ [?!]) but the other night I received my most esoteric insult yet. I was accused, in a most disparaging tone, that I didn’t get it because I am just not a ‘geek’. It was in response to my indifference to a (top-secret) new contraption that is being purpose-built into the living room and is hoped to be the key feature of our September belated-Christmas-in-July get-together. I figured for the same outlay a supply of alcoholic beverages, high-in-saturated-fat-salty snacks and a good sound system would be enough to get a party started but hey, what do I know about festivities? I spent my University days at Art School…

However, I thought I would do the ‘geeky’ thing and before retaliating in a potentially passive-aggressive way (like going off to my room and blogging about it) I would enumerate the key ‘geek’ attributes that are missing in my personality which have lead me to this sorry state of unenlightment.

1. My scientific method to problem-solving involves changing all variables at once and hoping for the best.
2. I don’t log personal behaviours in an Excel spreadsheet.
3. I don’t read. (Okay, I’m not proud of that but I’m trying my best.)
4. I don’t buy my clothes online.
5. I don’t use statistics as empirical evidence for household arguments.
6. I don’t ask for “more data points” when I need more information.
7. I use a pre-made CMS for my websites, the idea of coding is terrifying.
8. I prefer to apply the Principle of Parsimony over the Law of Complexity when I need to give an explanation.
9. I get things wrong and I don’t have a problem with that.
10. I don’t watch bad science fiction out of loyalty to the genre or a fascination with spaceships.
11. I first use an exploratory trial-and-error method before reading the user manual when it comes to setting-up electrical goods.
12. I don’t think that human behaviour can be modeled with maths. I accept that humans are often illogical, unpredictable and downright perverse.
13. I type in whole sentences rather than keywords with Boolean operators in a Google search.
14. I don’t understand basic physics or chemistry and I use a calculator for the sorts of simple arithmetic I used to be able to do in my head in primary school.
15. I don’t believe the toaster has a micro-processor. I believe the ‘Cancel’ button is a simple mechanical switch.
16. I do not have a problem maintaining conversations with friends/acquaintances/colleagues/random strangers, even in topics that I don’t understand, fully endorse or believe in. Which brings me to the point of-
17. I don’t get excited about the Evolution/Creationism debate or consider it to be the final victory for Science in the Science versus Religion (circa Galileo affair – now) War. I don’t look on people who maintain religious belief with a smug sense of superiority.

Besides if the Bible had anything to say about evolution, was it not Matthew during the Sermon on the Mount who stated

Blessed are the geeks: for they shall inherit the earth?

Go here for a more comprehensive list Geek Behaviours.